To Save A Forest Virgin pangolin
To Save A Forest Virgin pangolin

ACT I.

Scene I.    A café.

   'Should my avocado smash'd, crush'd or slicèd be?'

   'Yes, I know not. For tho I had it crush'd at Sunday brunch the last—and I do tell thee it was incredible—I have heard tale too that smoosh'd amazing is. Couldst thou smoosh one's avocado?'

    'Should my avocado smash’d, crush’d or slicèd be?'

  'Yes, I know not. For tho I had it crush’d at Sunday brunch the last—and I do tell thee that it was incredible—I have heard tale too that smoosh’d amazing is. Couldst thou smoosh one's avocado?


 INTRODVCING...

    INTRODVCING...

A

ROMANTIC

Conceited Comedy

(OFTEN DIRTY)

call'd

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A MODERN LOVE STORY
TOLD IN A LANGUAGE GREATER THAN OUR OWN.

A MODERN
LOVE STORY
TOLD IN A LANGUAGE 
GREATER THAN OUR OWN.

    'My living days are over and shall be
Forever soon for loving days exchang’d.
I have to my love said, Choose—one day, or
Not at all; eventu’lly or never.'
     'And she?'
    'Hath said that never shall it Never be,
But When!'

            'My living days are over and shall be
        Forever soon for loving days exchang’d.
        I have to my love said, Choose—one day, or
        Not at all; eventu’lly or never.'
            'And she?'
            'Hath said that never shall it Never be,
        But When!'

ACTUALLY,
A VERY MODERN
LOVE STORY.

ACTUALLY,
A VERY MODERN
LOVE STORY.

     'Tonight, alike no other in its

Glowingness of set, doth set us up for

Consummation grand and most spectacular. 

     'What mean’st thou, Consummation?'

     'I would blow thee.'

     'Thou wouldst blow me?'

     'As the warm and moistest wind. I am

as frisky as bonobo.'

     'Tonight, alike no other in its                    

Glowingness of set, doth set us up for                  

Consummation grand and most spectacular.       

     'What mean’st thou, Consummation?'               

     'I would blow thee.'                                                 

     'Thou wouldst blow me?'                                       

    'As the warm and moistest wind. I am as             

frisky as bonobo.'                                                         

WITH  A  DEPRAVED
FILM  PRODVCER  AS
   YOVR  PROTAGONIST.

WITH A DEPRAVED
FILM PRODVCER
AS YOVR  PROTAGONIST

   'But fore I soon as banish'd leave, my brother—

To whose do-gooding shall be ill-doing done,

And from whose Whens all Eventu'llies wrench'd.

My likeness will I make of his true loves—

One nightmare of our two disparate dreams—

And deprive him I of future 'cause he's

Fuck'd withal my past! Now just; you; watch me.'

     'But ‘fore I soon as banish’d leave, my brother,

To whose do-gooding shall be ill-doing done

And from whose Whens all Eventu’llies wrench’d.

My likeness will I make of his true loves—

One nightmare of our two disparate dreams—

And deprive him I of future 'cause he's

Fuck’d withal my past. Now just; you; watch me.'

SET ENTIRELY

IN MELBOURNE 

—much of it on the very beach

upon which it was written—


TO SAVE A

FOREST VIRGIN


is the story of four people who 

spend an Australian summer

falling in love—

only to find that their

affections might merely 

be manipulations,

their lust a cruel conspiracy.

SET  ENTIRELY  IN MELBOURNE,


—much of it on the very beach upon which it was written—



TO SAVE A

FOREST

VIRGIN

is the story of four people who spend an Australian summer falling in love—

only to find that their affections might merely be manipulations, their lust a cruel conspiracy.

Taking Shakespeare

Taking Shakespeare

aaaaall the way to

    aaaaall the way to


  CONTAINS MVCH POETRY

CONTAINS

MVCH POETRY

   'When are mortals be but when in love?

When do we exist but when of someone

Are enamour'd? What be life, fair summer,
If not to love?

     'When are mortals be but when in love?

When do we exist but when of someone

​Are enamour’d? What be life, fair Summer,

​If not to love?'

 MVCH WOOING

   'And yet he is much handsome: eyes possess'd

That when he smileth blue infects thy white

Excitement and doth stir thy deep's suppress'd

With wilding thoughts of all that's rare might happen.'

...MVCH WOOING

'And yet he is much handsome: eyes possess’d

That when he smileth blue, infects thy white

Excitement and doth stir thy deep’s suppress’d

With wilding though of all that’s rare might happen.'

  AND MVCH...



    WELL—



 AHEM.




 SEX.

  AND MVCH...


​

   WELL—



AHEM.





SEX.

      'Why comest thou not!?'

     'The wine overhangs my spirit.'

     'Should I stop?'

     'No, no. God no.'

     'Is that more correct?'

     'Location yes, but still in method lacking.'

     'Perhaps if thou allow'd me kiss thy neck?'

     'Not till thou hast brushèd twice thy teeth.'

     'There?'

  'Closer, yes, but still not done aright—thy circles are too tight.'

      'Why comest thou not!?'

       'The wine overhangs my spirit.'

       'Should I stop?'

       'No, no. God no.'

       'Is that more correct?'

       'Location yes, but still in method lacking.'

       'Perhaps if thou allow’d me kiss thy neck?'

       'Not till thou hast brushéd twice thy teeth.'

       'There??'

       'Closer, yes, but still not done aright—

thy circles are too tight.'


WITH COVER ART & ILLUSTRATIONS

BY RENOWN'D

AUSTRALIAN CONSERVATION 

ILLUSTRATOR,

SAMUEL HUMPHREYS

WITH COVER ART & ILLUSTRATIONS BY RENOWN'D AUSTRALIAN CONSERVATION ILLUSTRATOR

SAMUEL HUMPHREYS

SIGNED COPIES OF

TO SAVE A
FOREST
VIRGIN
ARE AVAILABLE
FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!

SIGNED COPIES OF

TO SAVE A
FOREST
VIRGIN
ARE AVAILABLE FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!

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including

shipping.

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£16 


including

shipping.

ORDER TO SAVE A FOREST VIRGIN
ORDER TO SAVE A FOREST VIRGIN

OR SAVE $$ ON BOOKS HERE...

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—

One for thee;

one for thy bestie.

—


Share the Shakespearean amours!


Buy a second copy of

To Save a Forest Virgin

and save a full £4.

​


£28
​

incl shipping.

—


One for thee;

one for thy bestie.


—


Share the Shakespearean amours!


Buy two copies of

To Save a Forest Virgin

and save £4.



£28


incl. shipping.

TWO COPIES OF THE PLAY
TWO COPIES OF THE PLAY

—

The Play
&

Exquisite Hours

—


The novel that launched my career,
and now in pre-production as a movie.


Amazon's price
before shipping:

 £37 
Your price direct from the author:

£30


incl. shipping.

—
The Play

&

Exquisite Hours

—

The novel that launched my career,

and now in pre-production as a movie.


Amazon's price
before shipping:

£37 

​Your price direct from the author:

£30

incl. shipping.

THE PLAY & EXQUISITE HOURS
THE PLAY & EXQUISITE HOURS

—

ALL 4 OF MY BOOKS

—

To Save A Forest Virgin,

Exquisite Hours, GRIEVE, &

Waxed Exceeding Mighty...



Amazon's price
before shipping:

 £65 
Your price direct from the author
£45

incl. shipping.

—

ALL 4 OF MY BOOKS

—

To Save A Forest Virgin,

Exquisite Hours, GRIEVE, &

Waxed Exceeding Mighty...


Amazon's price
before shipping:

£65 

Your price direct from the author:

£​45

incl. shipping.

ALL FOVR BOOKS
ALL FOVR BOOKS

'And by the buckets drink
   champagne, good players:

'And by the buckets drink champagne, good players;

For no great thing did 
but by champagne start!'   

For no great thing did but by champagne start!'

'By the buckets drink
   champagne, good players;

'And by the buckets drink champagne, good players:

For no great thing did 
but by champagne start!'   

For no great thing did but by champagne start!'

If you have any questions regarding shipping, inscriptions, or Shakespeare,
please feel very free to email
Joshua Humphreys at:

pigeonry@joshvahvmphreys.com